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Sunday, February 22, 2009

Things That Make Me Go "Hmmmm...."

If you've ever noticed that section of your favorite magazine which is devoted to "classified advertising", you may have noticed that it mostly consists of shaky business opportunities and male enhancements. However, in my husband's Popular Mechanics, I noticed that the classifieds pretty much ranged all over the place. For your reading amusement, I'm highlighting a few that especially stuck out to me.

Fashion

First of all, you might not think that PM seems like the right place for accessorizing, but how wrong you were.

"SUSPENDERS WITH PATENTED No-Slip Clip. Free Catalog."

This ad led me to www.suspenders.com, where there is a hefty dose of this new fashion trend... yup, urban suspenders. When you combine comfort, style, and the no-slip clip, I almost want a pair. Almost. But am I cool enough to wear a silk chirt with suspenders??? The world may never know.

Luckily, there was some old school suspenders for those who are not quite so hip as to have urban suspenders. More "Red-Green Show"-ish. Less sexy, more practical. Yeah. Practical.

Business Opportunities

This one was absolutely fascinating to me, because clearly in order for these advertisers to fork over money to advertise in PM, they must be reeling in suckers somewhere along the line. So someone somewhere reads these and thinks, man what a great business opportunity. Let's see what scams you can get yourself involved in this month:

"1000's WEEKLY mailing beautiful rose catalogs! Free supplies/postage! S.A.S.E."
(I'm not exactly sure who makes money on this endeavor or how, but I'm sure it isn't going to be you, oh dear sucker).

"POTENTIAL TO MAKE YOUR ANNUAL INCOME A MONTHLY INCOME. Training. No Experience Necessary."
(I'm glad you qualified that with "potential", so that I know there's also the potential I'll hand over money to you, dear scammer, for some pie in the sky and get absolutely nothing in return)

"BUNKBEDS. Clear $300/day making Bunk Beds. Start at home in your spare time."
(Props for mentioning what I'll be making money on, but sorry I'll pass. Even mysterious "potential-to-make-my-annual-income-my-monthly-income-guy" promised training.)

"RARE COIN INVESTMENTS. Our clients DON'T LOSE money! FREE brochure."
(Well in this economy, not losing money is probably a plus, but I'm curious as to whether or not you make any.)

"PATENT YOUR BRILLIANT INVENTION!!! Registered Patent Attorneys Available to Assist You."
(What about my not-so-brilliant inventions? Are we being prejudiced against them, huh??)

Just Plan Bat-Shit Crazy

Under the heading of "Education & Instruction" (note that this heading is very important):

"SOON THE GOVERNMENT
will enforce the MARK OF THE BEAST
as CHURCH AND STATE unite
Let THE BIBLE identify him
FREE BOOKS/DVDS
The Bible Says"
(Well are you going to tell me what the Bible says, or not?)

The following ad fascinates me on so many levels:
"NEW INVENTION ALLOWS HUMANS TO STAY PHYSICALLY YOUNG FOREVER! Proven affordable new technology. Guarantee works or money back. Youthrings.com."

Now with a promise like that, how could I not visit the website? As it it turns out, Alex Chiu has discovered the secret of immortality, and he's willing to share it with you. The website pleads, "Please believe me. Everything you read is true and is important. Now people do not have to age anymore." It then goes on to explain that immortality is granted by "Eternal Life Rings" and "Eternal Life Foot Braces". They "Protect your body from germs and disease as it keeps you immortal." You might be wondering how it works, but Alex has got you covered. There is an entire page, with explanations! ("The reason why healing wounds and scars of the body is the secret to eternal life is because - cholesterol does not pile up at blood vessels that has good circulation. Cholesterol piles up at blood vessels that has bad circulation. And what causes bad circulation? Wounds and scars.") And graphs!

Not only that, but he has a Gorgeouspill, which makes you (yep you guessed it) more beautiful each day. There's testimonials! And Gorgeouspill can save the world! (Actual Gorgeouspill is the "only one savior of the world!"). Please check out the lengthy explanation. I may have snorted something out of my nose as I read it.

I wonder sometimes. I really do.

6 comments:

Trish said...

Suspenders are never a good idea...interesting thing to see in a popular mechanics zine.

Alyce said...

Hehe! I think I figured out by the sixth grade that suspenders were not for me. I'm kind of embarassed that it took me that long.

Literary Feline said...

That's too funny! I couldn't resist reading about the staying young forever deal. I am still laughing over it.

Lucky said...

My dad always wore suspenders and he looked about as good!!! Although, I'm all for the immortality thing. Who knew it was that easy. Stand back religion, you've got competition.

Debi said...

Oh Kim, pleeeeeease tell me you still have one of those oh-so-annoying little card thingies left in his magazine that you can mail me so I can get my very own subscription! Sheesh...and I was under the impression that Popular Mechanics just wasn't for me. Live and learn, huh?

Giulia said...

That ring thing sounds like something Scientologists would be peddling.