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Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Why Yes I Read Eclipse

AKA the most poorly written book I couldn't put down. Why, why, why Stephanie Meyer do you have to rob me of sleep with your group of angsty werewolves, vampires and klutzy teenage girls? Okay, here's my review:

"Please, I need you." I didn't want to say this, I didn't want to believe that it was possible how much I needed it. There it sat in the sunlight in all its glory, and although I had seen it many times before, I could only marvel at its beauty. As perfect as an angel.

And then I heard a voice. It chuckled quietly, low and sweet, and I knew that it was a voice that only I could hear. A private voice in my head.

"Take me," it said. "I've been waiting so long."

It was a moment before I could speak. Those were the words I'd been hoping, dreaming to hear, and yet my heart felt tender. I knew that I couldn't take any more pain, not after what I'd been through before. It seemed to understand my hesitation, and I heard that same gentle chuckle again.

"I promise not to disappoint you."

My mind raced as I wondered how much I could trust its promises. Before it had come into my life, I had been so carefree and innocent. But I could never go back to living without it. As much as I resisted, I knew I had only so much self control. The passion I'd felt before had never really gone away, and somewhere inside it was building up. I took a deep breath and answered it.

"I will accept your offer. But I will not let you interfere in my life. When I go to bed, you stay in the living room."

I knew it was looking at me reproachfully. I didn't even have to look. It was going to remind me in a minute of all the time we had spent together in my bed, torment me with memories of stolen moments.

Then it laughed lightly. "You can try, but you know that you aren't able to resist me."

It was right, and I knew it. I picked it up, promising myself I'd be good this time. I wouldn't overindulge. I was far too mature for it, anyhow. The whole thing was fluff, poorly written tripe for teenage girls to devour. The heroine was stupid, annoying as hell, and to call the hero controlling would be putting it mildly. There was another love interest, a werewolf, and he showed promise but ruined it by getting way too cocky. There were logical plot holes. Why had it taken her the course of three novels to realize she was actually going to be giving up all of her friends and family when she became a vampire? How could she want to spend all eternity with him and yet refuse to marry him? Why on earth did she not fall for the werewolf who could have loved her without forcing her to become a blood-sucking monster? And how the heck did everyone fall in love in the first place? Is there going to be a sequel (or interquel) further illuminating the growing "bromance" between the vampire and the werewolf while Bella is supposedly asleep, since they make about as believable of a couple as anyone else.

With a sigh I set it back down, and then to my horror discovered the time that had passed. "You tricked me!"

There was that chuckle again.

"I'm going to bed. Goodnight, and I hope I never see you again!"

I stalked away and climbed into bed, but it was already there, on my bedstand.

"This doesn't mean I have to talk to you," I huffed.

There was no sound, and I laid down in bed.

"See? This is me resisting you."

Still nothing. How strange. I leaned over, and was struck once again by its beauty, perfection. I picked it up, feeling guilty for my passion. Then I pushed away all other thoughts but the one that consumed me. I flicked on the lamp and opened it once again. I would have regrets tomorrow, I knew, but for now, I was content to just be with it.


Melody said...

Kim, I love your creativity in writing this post!! :D

Lucky said...

LOL! That was a wonderfully mocking post... how very delightful. Definitely up there with the youtube video making fun of facebook in real life. I loved it!

Lightheaded said...

Hahaha! Lovely post indeed! I'm oh so guilty of the same thing.

Alice Teh said...

You like the book! Admit it! LOL

Alyce said...

I’m just dropping by to let you know that I’ve given you an award!

mariel said...

Ahahahaha, you are so right! After months of mocking, I have converted nearly all my friends and work colleagues to the wonders of Meyer! Enjoy...

Anonymous said...

This is too funny, it made my morning :)


Rhinoa said...

I love your review :) This was my least favourite of the series but they really do "suck" you in don't they. I hope you enjoy Breaking Dawn more.

Trish said...

I love it! I've only read Twilight so far, but you've summed up my emotions very well. Still not sure when I'll move onto New Moon. No hurry.

Literary Feline said...

LOL wonderful post, Kim! They really do have a way of pulling you in.

Susan said...

LOL!!! How they suck us in! So vulnerable to their sweet nothings, aren't we? I'm a particular sucker for the 'just one more page, it won't take too long' whisper....Beautiful post, Kim!

tanabata said...

Brilliant!! So so true! I knew I'd get sucked in again once I started. There's just something that makes me unable to stop reading these books. I just did the same thing this weekend with Breaking Dawn, and I didn't even like it for most of the first half!

Maree said...

Okay, I'm a little late, but I felt exactly the same way about reading that series. I didn't want to, but I couldn't help myself.
Brilliant. :)